That Cloud – A Conversation with Myself

Do you have that feeling that some days you are enshrouded in that thick blanket of clouds? You can feel it wraps around your head and weighs on your back. It is not totally pitch black, but some sort of grey. And it comes and goes on its on whim.

On the days that my senses are not dulled by that cloud, the sky and trees look vibrant, I can feel the air gently brushes my face, even the traffic noises from the highway sound alive, and not annoying. The world appears amazing simply as it is.

Those days I feel life truly is a blessing. There is a sense of joy jumping under my skin, wanting to rush out of my mouth, climb up my eyes, flip its wings and sing. Just sing. Sing the joy of simply being alive.

But today I feel numb – all my senses are dulled by that heavy cloud. It is invisible, but you can feel it is weighing you down. You can feel you are enduring and trying to make it trough the day.

I am tired of this feeling, tired of being controlled by its whim. I want to get out of its grip. I need to be truly honest with myself and get to the bottom of it.

Q: Why am I feeling numb?

A: Because deep down I am feeling unhappy, but I don’t want to show unhappiness, so I clouded it.

Q: Why am I feeling unhappy?

A: Because I don’t like my current situation. I don’t like my job. It’s not creative, and the wage is meager. Also, I don’t have a soulmate. I feel lonely. I don’t know when I will be able to change this situation. I am only getting older. I feel hopeless.

Q: You don’t like your current situation, and you are worried about your future?

A: Yes. You can say so.

Q: You identified with your mind’s murmuring. That’s a trap. That’s the surefire receipt of unhappiness.

A: I know. The problem is I kinda agree with what it says. It always sounds very convincing, that’s how it controls me. (smiling)

Q: Be present. Just observe. Don’t condemn or agree with it. Be the silent watcher.

A: Okay.

… …

Although I knew how it got hold of me, it still lasted a whole day. Once you agree with what your mind says, and become emotionally wound up, and it takes time to unwind. Eventually it dissipated. Like everything else in the universe, this too will pass.

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